Friday, September 11, 2015

What Would Stuart Do? Surviving My Mid-life Crisis

How's the saying go, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."  I've realized something lying here in bed, I should have been a life coach.  I can't seem to get my own shit together, but I'm fucking awesome at giving advice to other people about getting their lives in order.
I can very easily analyze someone else's situation and then say let's break this down into small digestible bits and figure out why you feel this way, what are the outside influences, what do you want the outcome to be, and then help you devise a SMART plan to reach your goals.
Now there's me. I can identify my problem. I can analyze the situation. I can understand what the outside influences are. I know what I want the outcome to be. I can devise a SMART plan to reach my goals. After all that, I somehow sabotage myself every fucking time. My failure doesn't come from any of the analysis or planning, it's the execution or lack of. It's so frustrating.  I'm a Virgo, I should have this shit down pat by now.
Maybe I need to find a small project to plan and finish to get my mojo back. Maybe because I'm still looking for a job I am paralyzed by underlying feelings that I basically suck at life right now. I'm sure I can get my shit together at some point, because just like Stuart Smalley says, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!"

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Almost Every Man's Krpytonite

I had to change the title of this to include "almost" because this doesn't apply to 99% of gay men.  I don't understand why men are incapable of throwing away the empty toilet paper roll.  Babboo will leave 2-3 squares on the roll and start a new one, but cannot throw the old one away.  Today I went into the half bath and found this:

Do you see what I see?  Will someone spontaneoulsy combust if they put that roll in the garbage?  Will they drop dead on the spot?  I just don't understand.  There is even a peddle to open the garbage can, so there is no bending over.  Cinderella's job is never done.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

MLC Diagnosis Part 1

No MLC is not some horrible disease or syndrome.  I'm fine and dandy, well as fine and dandy as I can be.  MLC = midlife crisis.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table, catching up on some shows and I just had an epiphany.  I just confirmed my midlife crisis by reviewing my DVR history.  If you, or someone you know watches these shows, you are going through a midlife crisis.
     1.  Younger
     2.  The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise
     3.  Odd Mom Out

You can substitute any of the above for The Real Housewives of Atlanta,  Beverly Hills, Melbourne, New Jersey, New York, or Orange County.  If you watch all of the Real Housewives, you've surpassed a midlife crisis and are full on crazy.  Now that I think about it, if you watch 3 or more shows on Bravo, it's a midlife crisis.  

I wonder what the head honchos/creative directors at Bravo are like.  Probably a bunch of 40+ women getting botox and mani/pedis in their offices, loathing going home to their perfectly-cleaned-by-the-housekeeper houses, uncaring spouses and screaming kids.  I wonder if they are hiring, I'd love some botox and a housekeeper right about now.  

Stop paying for a doctor to tell you it's a midlife crisis!  I'm perfect at diagnosing this shit.  

Stay tuned for Part 2.  If you don't watch any of these show, you are still not safe.  

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Midlife Crises Are Real

Part of the Wikipedia definition of Midlife crisis:
"A mid-life crisis is experienced by some people as they realize they have reached a midpoint in their lifespan and experience conflicts or dissatisfaction within themselves because of unrealized goals, self-perceptions or physical changes as a result of aging or health issues.[5]Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions such as andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of griefunemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. Additionally, when experiencing a mid-life crisis, people may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in areas such as career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, finances, or physical appearance."

The only thing that was missing from the definition was a picture of me.  How many of you reading this shook your head in agreement to 3 or more of these things?  I would say I checked off 90% of them.  Let's get one thing straight, menopause was not on my list, thank God.  The most horrible part of my research on midlife crises, they reportedly last 2-5 years for women.  I guess that could be good or bad, since I feel like I've been having one for at least 2 years.  On the other hand, it hasn't been five years, so I could be here awhile longer.  

The only thing that keeps me off the ledge is the knowledge that my life is not horrible and so many people would be thankful to have my life, and I am thankful to have the life I have.  I just need to get my head straight.  I need to make a change and I've been trying.  Change is hard for a multitude of reasons, and usually the kind of change that occurs is not the one you're striving to make.  It's usually the exact opposite of what you want.  There's no way to guarantee the "right" change.  All the planning in the world will NOT make it so.  Sometimes you're just at the mercy of the world and the only thing that will keep you going is to roll with the punches, get back up on the horse, try try again....all those cliches which basically mean don't stop trying.