Friday, April 24, 2015

Oh Gina You're So Fine, You're So Fine You Blow My Mind....Part 2

Spring, oh glorious Spring!  The time of the year when I wish I had made and kept a New Year's resolution to lose some weight.  I'm horrified to think very soon I will be on the lake in a bathing suit muumuu.  I have a whole Pinterest board of exercises and toned bodies for inspiration and guidance.  I just need to put down the Pringles and get to it.

The one area that we (women) all probably overlook, (unless you have that embarrassing "pee your pants" problem and the doctor tells you to do some kegels) your Gina.  While searching the Internet for vagina steamers, not the drink, the spa treatment, I found this:

Photo by Kim Anami
Your eyes are not deceiving you, that is a plastic bottle filled with some sort of red substance, maybe ketchup, Snapple, Siracha, or possibly strawberry jelly. It is hanging from a string leading up to this chick's Gina.  That woman is Kim Anami and her Instagram shows off herculean vagina. (Please go to her Instagram, I want you to see these pictures!)


In her article, "10 Benefits of Vaginal Weightlifting," Kim lists "a natural face lift" and "the ability to shoot ping pong balls as 2 of the benefits.  A natural face lift sounds great, AND you have also learned an awesome bar/party trick, do you really need any more to be convinced?  Well, if you do, here's what I imagine you could do with your muscle bound Gina:

  1. Peel a banana.
  2. Pull a Lorena Bobbitt (cue the men cringing)
  3. Paint a piece of abstract art to hang above your fireplace.  Makes a great conversation starter.
  4. Have an extra "hand" to carry in all your groceries from the car in one trip.
  5. Hang a wreath or some mistletoe from it during Christmas time.
  6. Use it as a change purse.
  7. VAGINA BEER PONG!!!
So go get yourself some vagina weights ladies and make Gina ripped!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Oh Gina, You're So Fine, You're So Fine, You Blow My Mind......Part 1

It's Spring cleaning time.  A time to sweep out the cob webs and get everything in order.  I recently learned of a spa service that does a little spring cleaning to the Gina, V-steaming.  That's right a steam clean for your lady parts.  As I was reading up on this new spa treatment all I could think about was a hot sweaty who-ha, which to me sounded less than desirable.  I told the friend that sent me the article this was a blog topic for sure and she said for the best blog post, I should get one.  I know you are all hoping to hear a story of me sitting on a large padded seat containing a steam hole, with a cape that drapes down to my knees getting a vagcial.  Well, you can keep waiting.  Instead I chose to read about the treatment online.  I have read first hand accounts, doctors' opinions, and descriptions by spas that provide the service.  I'm slightly intrigued, but not enough to subject the land down under to a sauna of sorts.
Picture Courtesy of King Spa & Sauna
For any of you that are still intrigued and are considering a little spring cleaning down below, here is my take on the treatment.  You basically disrobe and are fitted with a plastic cape like the one you wear when you get a hair cut.  The robe hangs down past your knees so the steam stays in and your friend, if you choose to go with a friend, isn't subjected to the man in the canoe saying hello.  If I did decide to do this, I would definitely take Carol because it would be a laugh riot.  After you are fitted with you super vagina cape, you sit on a chair with a large padded seat, which has an opening for the steam.  It looks like a padded outhouse toilet for those of you that have experienced an outhouse.  The attendant can adjust the amount of steam if you feel it's too much or too little.  In one article, the author said for the last ten minutes she was instructed to pull the cape up over her head so it was like you were in a sweat house and your face also got a mini steam facial.  Apparently there are different medicinal herbs in the water so the aroma isn't that of a fishing boat at high noon on a 90 degree day. 

Many people that have written about their experience on the padded throne of steam have said they felt, "clean, relaxed, and at ease."  Another woman, who did an at home treatment, said the procedure made her "HAVE TO POOP LIKE A MAD WOMAN."  Yes, I said at home treatment.  As much as I may be intrigued there is no way in hell I'm boiling water with herbs, placing the pot in the toilet, draping myself with a sheet or blanket, and steaming the Gina.  If you want to, Google "vagina steam" and you will find directions.  With my luck, I see an at home treatment going something like this:
  1. Search through cabinets to find a pot that I can boil water in that will also fit in the toilet.
  2. Boil water and herbs on stove.
  3. Place pot of water in toilet and say to myself I'm going to have to throw this pot out when I'm done.  I don't want to steam veggies or cook spaghetti in this thing after it's looked at my crotch for 30 minutes.
  4. Get naked, cover myself in a blanket, and take a seat.
  5. Have the feeling of wetness on my backside and realize I have dunked my blanket in the toilet.
  6. After fishing blanket out of toilet, sit back down and let the herb infused steam go to work.
  7. Feel a very hot sensation on and around my lady parts and realize I have just given myself 2nd degree burns.
  8. Stand up very quickly to get some cool air flowing, dunk the blanket back in the toilet, fish out blanket again, and rush downstairs to get some ice.
  9. While icing my "region," have a strong feeling I have to poop and go back into bathroom to relieve myself.
  10. Forget to take pot of now cooled water from the toilet and accidentally make poop stew.
  11. Dig poop stew pot out of toilet and take it outside to dump it, after I put on some pants of course.
  12. Have to explain to Babboo, who just pulled in driveway, what I was dumping in adjacent empty lot and why I threw the pan away after.
  13. Walk around slightly bow legged for the next 3 days because my who-ha is toasted.
All I can say is, "NO THANK YOU!" I'll leave that to you and the professionals.  I'll stick with the traditional spring cleaning of dusting and cleaning out the actual garage, not the wiener garage.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Mother's Day Is Coming

I think you all may have forgotten about my Zazzle store, SnarkyLovesBabboo.  Actually I know you have, because there hasn't been any action there at all, ever.  I'm not really heart broken over this, since I made the shop for shits and giggles.  Most of the products were made with a particular people in mind.  Let's take a walk through the shop to review the awesomeness and you can get some Mother's Day gift ideas (probably a horrible gift for Mom, but I don't judge).

This one was inspired by something Babboo said to one of his friends.  I don't remember exactly what the friend was doing, but we all have that one person in our lives who makes bad choices quite frequently, the friend that does things that would be teachable moments on an after school special.
 This one was inspired by Carol.  Enough said.
 Babboo says this to me all the time.  He says it jokingly, most of the time.
 Only fair that I would have something that I say to Babboo.  He thinks this saying is stupid and makes zero sense, but I think it's a perfect response to his attitude.
 I can't name the person that this was inspired by because she would freak out and tell me to remove her name because of the men boys that she "dates" would see it.  You know who you are.
Babboo says this, but it actually came from some guy we saw on the local news.  He actually said this, on camera.  When Babboo says it, he's joking, the other guy was not.









I suppose you could buy most of these for Mom, but if you like her, probably not.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

This Has Been Super Fun, But Seriously....

Don't know where I found this.  If it's yours,
let me know and I'll give you some credit.
The title of this post is meant to be read with a ton of snark, so read it again and then proceed.

My self esteem is dwindling everyday I don't have a "real" job.  I got a fabulous, "thanks, but no thanks," email today and I wanted to find a phone number for the HR person of this company and let them know what a huge mistake they were making, like when Julia Roberts walks back into the snooty shop on Rodeo with all of her shopping bags in Pretty Woman, "Big mistake. BIG. Huge!!!"

So, I'm taking a much needed break from yet another day on the computer searching for job postings, researching companies, and praying to God I get a job sooner rather than later, to write this post. I just keep telling myself not to settle.  Settling got me 20 years in retail, working every weekend, holiday, and a complete loss of my sanity at various times of the year.  I'm smart, I'm driven, I'm a quick study, I'm personable, and I would hire me for any of the jobs I'm applying to for those reasons alone.  Product knowledge and procedures can be learned quickly, they are nothing more than memorization.  Developing rapport with customers cannot be taught and I have that.  As much as I'm not a people person, I am a people person.  Babboo tells me all the time he couldn't do what I do.

Someone reading this must know someone, who knows someone, who is looking for an amazing, awesome, hard working, dedicated, goal driven, smart, funny, responsible, competent person to hire for an outside sales position.  Even though I've loved the search, I'm ready for my dream job, like yesterday, Seriously.

With that, I must go back to my quest.  God, if you're reading this, please let me get a job by the end of the month, or at least an interview that leads to a job.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Coming to You Live From the Pickle Park

Don't drink the water ducky, you have no clue what's been in there!
It's no secret that Carol and I find ourselves and each other hilarious.  We always have inside jokes that we like to post on the Book Face that are very cryptic to anyone other than us.

Today Carol was telling me about a radio show where people were calling in to tell their stories about the most shocking/disturbing things they had seen.  One guy called in to tell his story about what he saw at a rest stop.  The guy was a truck driver and he and his wife were parked at a rest stop AKA pickle park (which I had to explain to Carol), when they saw a lot lizard (look it up) get out of a semi, walk a few feet from the rig, pull up her skirt and proceed to clean her Gina in a puddle.  After her puddle bath, she climbed into the next semi to take care of business.  Pretty sad that a puddle in truck stop parking lot was cleaner than her Gina.

We decided one of our radio broadcasts would definitely have to be from a pickle park to see if we could witness a Gina bath or something just as shocking. I'm sure our millions of listeners would love it.  Carol drunk on Bud Light, peeing her pants and talking about hookers.

I'm pretty confident if this radio show was on air, we'd both be single, as most of our conversations are not significant other appropriate.  Look out Howard Stern, the Carols are going to take over the airwaves.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Waterworks

Here I go again, not quite an ugly cry, but the tears are falling and I'm having a hard time getting them to stop.  I'm tired of burdening you all with my failure at securing a new job (and I'm sure you're all tired of it too), but if I don't get it out, I'll really lose my shit.

I applied for a job, a job that sounded really promising, a job with a company that had good reviews by current and former employees, a job with good benefits, a job with a financially stable company.  I decided to be positive and proactive and start preparing for an interview.  I compiled practice interview questions and started to answer them based on the job requirements, my experience, and my research on the company.  I went to the company website tonight to review the listing once more and it's gone, no longer on the website.  My heart literally sank.  All I can hope is that they had enough applicants to review and the job has not been filled.  I was really hopeful about this one, and I'm having a hard time staying hopeful.

So why not eat my feelings.  I'm currently making poutine, French fries with a zip sauce gravy, no cheese curd, but maybe some shredded.  Then I'll let the whole thing settle into my thighs and ass as I lay in bed trying to sleep because I have to work at 7 am.

I do have a set of practice interview questions which will help even if I don't get an interview for this job.  I'm trying to stay positive, it's getting harder and harder, but I'm trying.

Girls Only

Photo courtesy of TVLand
I wasn't sure what I was going to watch now that Walking Dead is done, Girlfriend's Guide to divorce finished it season, and anything else I watch I've pretty much caught up on.  Then last night, as I was going through On Demand I found the show Younger on TVLand.  This is a total chick show, and I found it hilarious.  Darren star is the producer, you know Darren star who also produced Melrose Place, 90210, and Sex and the City.  How can it be bad if Darren star is producing it.

In a nutshell the show is about a 40 year old woman, Liza, who is divorcing her cheater husband and is trying to get a job after a 15 year hiatus to take care of her daughter.  The job market is filled with mean, 20 something girls who won't give Liza a chance, so she pretends to be in her twenties and actually lands a job.  Along the way she meets a very attractive "dude" who has no idea she is 40 and not 26.

Hillary Duff plays Kelsey who befriends Liza and unknowingly assists Liza with the new "ways" of publishing, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Google+ and also the "ways" of 20-something women in the corporate world.

One of my favorite scenes, that really did make me LOL (I might start pretending I'm in my 20's) takes place in the locker room at the gym.  Liza takes off her clothes to change after her workout and shocks one of the other girls with her "bush."  "It looks like my mother's vagina," Lauren says, "can I put the bush up on Instagram?"  Liza's reply, "I just got back from 3 years in India, and for your information, I call it a Wisconsin."  Too fucking funny.

Check it out, it's really funny and quite frankly I want everyone to watch it so it sticks around for a long time.  TVLand on Tuesdays.