Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I'm Not Fat, I'm a Big-Boned Mermaid!

I absolutely LOVE Halloween.  It is by far my favorite holiday.  I love decorating for Halloween, I love the creepy food that can be made, I love the funny costumes people come up with.  The problem is every single boyfriend I've had hasn't liked, let alone loved, Halloween as much as me.  I've never been able to plan the couple's costumes for us to wear.  I haven't thrown the killer Halloween party I've planned year after year.
This year is no different.  Babboo doesn't like Halloween.  We don't  "celebrate" Halloween.  I'm pretty sure that Babboo has had to work every Devil's night and Halloween since we've been together.  For those of you that aren't familiar with Devil's night, it is the night before Halloween, a night filled with Halloween "tricks."  Google it and you'll find the "tricks" are no joke.
I still find couples costumes which would be awesome to dress up as:
Sheldon and Amy, my favorite!

BOOBS

Squints and Wendy
Maybe some day I will convince Babboo to throw a huge, epic Halloween Party and we can dress up.  Until then, I'll have to dress up on my own, and that's ok.  I just need someone to throw a party so I can wear either of these costumes:


I can guarantee one thing, I won't be ordering my "fat girl" costume from Walmart.  I say that mostly because I don't like giving any of my money to Walmart, but maybe just a little because of their description of some Halloween costumes on their website.

And is the girl on the left considered "fat?"  Did they purposely put an advertisement for ranch dressing above the "fat girl costumes?"  I'm guessing the person who put that description on the website is a total woman-hating douche with a tiny penis.
May you have a Happy Halloween and may all your candy be free of pins and razor blades and nuts if you're allergic.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

An Acronym for S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.(s)

Why is it that corporate "big wigs" in retail always come up with ridiculous acronyms for everything?   It's almost like they think their employees aren't smart enough to remember how to treat a customer so they come up with something to help them mentally check off how to help each customer.  
During my job search I have come across a few of this acronyms:
1.  HERO 
2.  APPLE
3.  GUEST
4.  SMILE
5.  GREAT
6.  SERVICE
7.  LEARN
8.  LAST
9.  SHINE
10.  My last employer used the acronym "GOT A PEN" to remind their associates how to act like normal retail sales people.  

I guess since so many people have less than stellar manners these days it's hard to hire people that will actually treat customers like they should be treated.  These catchy little acronyms are always there to help the snarkiest of employees slap on a smile, and give the best customer service ever!

After working in retail for so long, I believe someone should come up with some acronyms for customers so they remember their manners when they are shopping.  The next time you go into a store and you are interacting with a sales associate, don't be a S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.

Say please and thank you.   Self explanatory, basically have some manners.
Hang up the phone.  If you want some help, get off your phone!
I didn't set the prices.  Don't complain about how the prices are too high.
Talk to me not at me.  I am not a child or your servant, speak to me like I'm a human being.
Handle your children.  I am not your nanny or maid, control your children and clean up after them.
Everyone is not your personal shopper.  The entire staff cannot help you, there are other customers.
Always pull your cart over.  Don't leave your cart in the middle of the aisle.
Don't expect me to make your decision for you.  You're a grown person, it's your money, I'm not telling you what to buy.

So there is a little acronym for all the SHIT HEAD shoppers out there.  Bookmark this one and read it on Black Friday.  Notice I said BLACK FRIDAY and not Thanksgiving.  If you shop on Thanksgiving, you are the biggest SHIT HEAD of them all!!!!! There is no hope for you!!!!!!  I will absolutely NOT apologize to any of my friends who shop on Thanksgiving for calling you a shit head!   PEOPLE WHO WORK IN RETAIL SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEND HOLIDAYS WITH THEIR FAMILIES, NOT DEALING WITH THE SHIT HEADS OF THE WORLD!

Don't forget to shop local businesses on Saturday, November 29th!




Thursday, October 23, 2014

What's the Big Deal?

Is it really surprising that a celebrity had "some work done" and doesn't look the same.  I'm sure all of you have heard the "news" that Renee Zellweger doesn't look like herself.  Hell, it even made national news, which is ridiculous to
me.
When I first saw the picture of Renee, I thought she looked like Robin Wright, which is not a bad thing.  She doesn't look bad, she just looks different.  I say, good for her.  If she felt the need to change her look and it made her feel better, more power to her.  If I had the money, I would be getting some botox, fillers, peels, etc...  Pretty much anything except the knife.  I've seen what bad plastic surgery looks like and I just wouldn't take that chance.  If even a single one of you think otherwise, I've graciously given you a few reminders.



Little Who?  Yes that is Lil' Kim






 Italian Socialite, Michaela Romanini.  Looks like she may have had a sex change and her "eyebrow person" died or went blind.



Donatella Versace.  I'm at a loss for words as to what she looks like.




Saturday, October 18, 2014

Mommy Blogs

Since most of my Facebook friends are "mommies" I'm going to pray for forgiveness before I jump on my soap box.   I believe you all have a very hard job raising a child or children and trying your best to raise them to be descent people, not little ass holes that grow into adult ass holes.  I am also going to apologize to my blogger friends who write "Mommy Blogs."  I love you all, I read your blogs, your posts make me giggle, sometimes they make me want a kid or two, and most of the time your posts make me thank my lucky stars I don't have any children.
With that being said, I'm tired of all the "Mommy Blog" authors getting all the attention.  Their posts are shared all over the web.  They get invited on daytime talk shows to discuss their humorous posts or promote their mommy books.  Other Mommies identify with their posts about boogers, dirty diapers, first words, soccer games, and PTA. 
I guess there are very few of "me" out there.  Very few 40-something women, without kids, who have never been married, in the midst of a mid-life crisis, currently unemployed, and wondering what the hell to do with the rest of their lives.  That makes it hard to find like minded women to commiserate with or attract to read the blog and make me the popular blogger who gets invited to the Today show to talk about the days spent in pajamas writing the best selling book, that landed me on the show.  Oh well, I still love my pajamas.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Wake Up Call

I have friends on Facebook I've never met.  Some of these people I met through the blogging world, some are friends of friends.  It's funny that I consider people I've never met in person friends, but I do.  I enjoy reading their posts and seeing pictures of their families. 
Recently one of these people posted on Facebook that his wife had a stroke and prayers were needed.  His next post was that his wife of 30 years passed away.  Even though I have never spoken one word to this man or his wife, I cried.  My heart hurt for him.  Reading all of the posts of condolences and seeing all the pictures of them together was very touching and quite frankly a wake up call.  This beautiful woman who was his world was living a normal life and then taken from this world so suddenly.  That could be me, that could be my best friend, that could be you, we just never know when our time will be up.  
We all have our ups and downs and I, probably more than others piss and moan about the most insignificant things, but when you are faced with something like this, it makes you appreciate life.  When you think about losing someone, the car in the driveway, how much money you make, or the name on your designer shoes doesn't matter as much as  the thought of life without someone you care about.
Enjoy what you may think are the most mundane things in your life.  Hug a little longer.  Say I love you one more time.

Monday, October 6, 2014

The Usual

Today the job search got "real."  Not because the money is about to run out, but because I need some adult interaction.  I need to feel accomplished again.  I need to put on something other than pajamas or yoga pants five days a week.  I need something else to write about other than the dogs, the fact that I need a job, or my mid-life crisis.
I told myself when I quit the last job that it would only be a few weeks until I found something else, well that few weeks has turned into a few months.  I also told myself that I would get into a routine and not let myself fall into a funk.  Well, I did fall into a funk and I am slowly crawling out of it and am ready to contribute to society again, oh and the bills.
I'm really sick of daytime television.  I had no clue there were so many "judge" shows on TV these days.  Growing up there was Judge Wapner on The Peopl'e's Court, now there is Judge Judy, Divorce Court, Paternity Court,  The People's Court, and Judge Mathis just to name a few.  I'm sure there's many more I haven't had the pleasure of viewing.  All of them are super annoying, but they are like a train wreck, I can't look away from.
I think I've finally come to the realization that professional blogger or lottery winner will not be my chosen profession, so I need to put on my big girl panties and update the resume and get back on the proverbial horse.   But if anyone reading this knows of a professional blogger position that is available, or the winning lottery numbers for the next big drawing I would happily listen to what you've got to offer.
So, hopefully I will soon be writing about the new job I found, that is totally fabulous, where I make lots of $$$, have great benefits, love my boss, and my VERY flexible schedule.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'm Thankful the TV Channel Wasn't Turned to Skinamax

I've been away from the blog for a few days, maybe weeks, I could say exactly if I wanted to, but I'm too lazy to confirm the precise amount of time.  Being unemployed makes the days blend together and I find myself frequently checking my phone to see what day it is.  I have sunk deeper into my "funk" and have had a few mini breakdowns.
Take yesterday for example.  I was being productive and had stripped the bed and loaded the washer and started it.  About 10 minutes into the wash cycle I heard it, the noise of something other than sheets, pillow cases, and the bedspread being tumbled around in the washer, and I knew immediately.  I rushed into the laundry room and frantically pushed the unlock button on the washer.  Water sloshed all over the floor as I pulled open the door and searched through the sopping wet sheets.  There it was, the remote control.  Now this isn't just any remote control, this is a radio frequency remote, which is not cheap to replace for someone who is currently unemployed.  As I pulled it from the water in the bottom of the washing machine, I noticed it was still lit up, a small glimmer of hope, but upon further examination, I knew I was probably fucked because the display screen obviously had water in it.  I rushed to get a tupperware container and the box of rice. In my heart I knew this wasn't going to work, but I had to try.  I ran upstairs to get the hairdryer and tried that too.  My heart was racing a million miles an hour, because I knew I was going to have to tell Babboo, what I did.  Just as I reached for the phone it rang, it was him.  I felt like he somehow already knew, like I'd been caught red handed.  I followed my hello with, please don't be mad at me.  I broke the news and then proceeded to cry like a child that just dropped her ice cream cone.  He actually took the new very well, probably because he lives with me and knows I'm close to losing the marble that is keeping me from being totally bat shit crazy.
Usually this short of thing just rolls off my back, but it was the tipping point, it was that last marble and it had just slipped through my fat little fingers.  Everything that I've been worrying about and contemplating over for the past 10 weeks came flooding in.  I felt like I'd been shrunk down to the size of one of those toy army men and I was drowning in the bottom of the washing machine, along side of the remote control that I had just sent to its watery grave.  I somehow pulled myself together, without the help of any alcohol or narcotics, finished the load of bedding and made the bed.  
Today has been slightly better, only a few tears and the kitchen floor was mopped.  I still count it as a one step forward, two steps back kind of day, but it could have been worse.  That's what I keep telling myself everyday, "IT COULD BE WORSE."  
Let's see how I feel after this weekend, the birthday weekend.  Not a major milestone birthday, but at this age, every birthday is an opportunity for a nervous breakdown.
Stay tuned.