Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Are You Mentally Handicap

I don't want to offend any person that is actually mentally handicap by grouping them with the rocket scientists I deal with, but I am constantly saying to myself, "are you fucking retarded" about a million times a day.
My favorite question, "do you work here?" No,  I found the name tag on the floor and thought it would be a laugh riot to put it on and spend my Sunday answering your stupid fucking questions,  cleaning the restrooms, and basically loathing everyone.
Next is the "do you have anymore"  person. Well I said no once,  then twice,  and a third time.  We don't have more! Are you fucking deaf?! Asking again isn't going to make more magically appear. I can't shit more because you don't like what we do have. There are not any elves in the back I can ask to whip up what you need.  This is it. This is all we have. DO NOT ASK ME AGAIN or I might hand you some Q-tips and tell you to clean out your fucking ears!!!
On a positive note,  one in a million customers make me giggle.  I had a little old lady come in last week that sounded exactly like Aunt Bethany from Christmas Vacation.  "Grace? She passed away three years ago. "

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Old Maid

Tomorrow is my birthday and I feel old.  I have never been married and I don't have any kids.  I was engaged once,  for a long time and I can say it's a good thing I can say I've never been married.  Although, the long engagement made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  My pre-birthday pity party right here.  Where's the pinata and confetti.  Now before anyone comments about how awesome I am in an attempt to make me feel better,  I will say I know I am. I'm a fucking catch.  Seriously. So this boyfriend better recognize! The ring better come sooner than later.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

What Level Am I In Now?

So I posted back in June that I needed to get out if hell and find a new job. Well,  I did half of that,  I found a new job. It is my new hell. I literally come home totally exhausted and wake up sore and exhausted.  I think I going to write a book about the hell that is retail.  Like Dante's Inferno, only the levels will be retail related.  I haven't thought it through at all,  but off the top of my head,  one level will be dressing rooms.  One level can be customer service desk.  Another level, the public restrooms.  It probably wouldn't be on The Time's best seller list,  but it could be pretty funny.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

It's a Show About Nothing

I swear my best friend and I need to write a sitcom. It would have to be on HBO, or another cable channel because of the adult content, but it would be funny as shit.  I'm not sure how the story line would play out just yet, but the things that happen to us are totally ridiculous and I think millions of women would identify with it. Of course,  much like this blog, our true identities could never, ABSOLUTELY NEVER, be revealed because my significant other would kill me for exposing our life to the world.
Take for example our jobs,  I work in retail and deal with these total self centered douche bags all day. She has an outside sales position which requires  her to see a lot of wieners and balls on most days. I know,  I know, already sounds like a winner.  I see it as a little "Sex and the City,"  a little "Absolutely Fabulous," a touch of "Modern Family," and a smidgen of "Seinfeld." I'm not sure what it will be called yet, but a friend of mine made an awesome suggestion.  I also am still considering actresses/actors.  So far my top choices to play me are Jami Getz,  Minnie Driver, Jennifer Connelly,  or Amanda Peet . For the Bf, Christina Applegate,  Chelsea Handler,  or Reese Witherspoon. She has decided all our ex boyfriends will be played by super hot actors.  She picked John Goodman for her husband,  but I vetoed it and chose Sean Astin for her husband. Since I'm robbing the cradle, Jonah Hill will play my boyfriend.

The cast of characters:
The BF
The BF's husband 
Stay tuned,  there is more to come.