Thursday, May 29, 2014

When I Win The Lottery

Every time I buy a lottery ticket I fantasize about what I would do if when I win.  Today I decided I would have a girls weekend with people I know only from the internet.  Some also know me, but others don't.

A weekend of shopping, boozing, and whatever else comes our way sounds amazingly fun.  Here's the guest list:

Jennifer Wutz-Lopes - I met Jen in the blogging world. We are kindred spirits.  She's crafty (not in the Beastie Boys way).  She enjoys adult beverages. She has my kind of sense of humor.  She's a foodie, but still has an appreciation for Doritos. She has a love of cute shoes, including Tretorns, which I also love.  She hasn't blogged in awhile, but with tweets like these, how can I not love her.
Check her out on her blog, her Pinterest, or Twitter.

Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. My blogging girl crush, she doesn't even know I'm alive.   She is fucking hilarious, HILARIOUS!
Her Zazzle shop name, as described by her, "(Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):" Take a look at her Pinterest, read her blog, buy her book. You'll love her.  The random things that run through this girl's head remind me of me, and I like me, so obviously I like her.  One of my favorite posts of hers is about this unicorn.

Picture from her blog
Linda Wolff, aka The Carpool Goddess.  I just recently discovered Linda's blog via Jenny Lawson.  These are two self described tidbits about Linda taken from the "About Me" on her blog:
"I'm obsessed with pretty, sparkly, brightly colored post-its and notepads.  I'm fairly certain there is a nine year old girl trapped inside my body, who is showing no signs of leaving."
"You're only as old as you feel.  On the outside I might be 40+, but on the inside I'm still 25, except for a few squeaky moving parts."
I totally can relate.
Check out her blog, Facebook page, Twitter, Pinterst, Google +, or Instagram.  All links are on her blog.

Yvett Rojo, who I've "known" for quite sometime.  I met her in the blog world and grew to be Facebook friends.  Like me, she left her old blog behind in 2011 and started another blog, Lot 65.  She hasn't been there in awhile, but I still keep up on her life on the book face.  In one of her last posts on her blog she had this to say, which I totally agree with.
"- EVERYONE has a blog now. Seriously. It doesn't seem as fun as it used to. When I first discovered blogs, I read Julie Powell (before she was THE Julie & Julia), Dooce and ljcfyi. Now everyone just writes about their kids. Not that that's a bad thing, I do it too, it's just that blogs were what I used to read instead of books. They were that entertaining and new. Now it's just sort of to keep up with what people are doing. I admit that I'm guilty of the same thing, that's when I thought mine had run its course. "
Funny that she mentions Dooce and ljcfyi, who I also read religiously when I started out.  Dooce's blog has changed quite a bit since then, but ljc's is pretty close to what it was when I started reading it.
Anyway, Yvett has that humor I love, tinged with snark here and there.  I wish she would start blogging again.
I sent her a Facebook message to ask if I could post a picture of her on this post and her reply was classic: "Of course. Unless i'm a "before" of something, or what not to do."

Linda Ridenour, was yet another met in blogging land. Her blogging has tapered off, but like the others, I still keep up on her life through Facebook. Linda has that style of writing that puts me right in her shoes. This post from One Wink At A Time, reminds me of how I feel every September. She is funny, caring, and I think she would be the life of the party and probably the DJ for the night. Her comments on my old blog always gave me the boost I needed during my self induced pity parties. 

So there's the top 5 on the people I know, but don't party list. I feel a wicked hangover just thinking about it.

P.S. Linda your $6.49 is in the mail. Jen W-L after the man hands comment, I decided not to ask permission to post your picture, suck it!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

How To Get People to Stalk You

Blogging can be therapeutic.  It can be frustrating, especially when you have no clue what to write about, or you get some smart ass making stupid comments on your posts.  Blogs come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.  Some choose to write about their lives in a comedic way.  Some have cooking blogs, with recipes and pictures of their creations.  Some are crafty blogs.  Some are decorating blogs.  There's a blog for whatever tickles your fancy.

I've said a hundred million times, "if I could stay home, write my blog, craft, and get paid for it, I would have my dream job."  The problem with that is, people need to read the blog, lots of people, so I can make money doing it.

I've been trying to build my reader base and these are a few things I've learned.

  1. Find blogs that are similar to yours and comment on posts that "speak to you."  Not only will people see your comment that has a link to your blog, you will find people of like mind and probably find even more blogs to read and love.
  2. Tell your friends about your blog.  This one can be tricky because some people divulge a little more information about their lives when they know only strangers are reading it.  When you are aware of your audience, you are less likely to speak the truth.  I guess this will depend on the type of blogging you are doing.  A crafty or cooking blog won't be judged like a true life "diary."  Me, I just go for it.
  3. Utilize social media.  Share your posts on Facebook (see #2), add your blog address everywhere you can, your Twitter page, your Instagram Page, on Google+....  
  4. Hashtags are our friends.  I won't go into the lengthy way hashtags work, so go Google it yourself, and start using them.
  5. If you post a picture on your blog, pin it on Pinterest.  
Also, don't try to be someone you're not.  Just like i life, your true self will always reveal itself.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Green With Envy (Pity Party Take Three)

Writing this blog, I have visited many other blogs and found myself saying, "look at their perfect little lives."  All the family pictures of vacations to places I want to go to and the perfectly manicured houses, with the 2.5 kids all dressed like they just stepped out of a J Crew catalog.  The "About Me" on the blogs usually includes writer, stay at home mom, blogger....all the things I want to be.  Their posts include giveaways for different products because they have companies willing to give their products away to the readers of the blog because the perfect mom, with the perfect kids, and the perfect life, has thousands of readers who will believe that a stroller she uses will turn their kids into the perfect angels that the mommy blogger has.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great life.  I am very thankful for what I have and I try to remind myself that everyday.  But, sometimes it's difficult.  I want to be writing this from a perfect little studio in the house, but instead I am sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by mail, an empty milk carton, my open beer, a bottle of soy sauce, and 8 empty beer cans, a far cry from my perfect studio.  (Just to clarify, the 8 empty beer cans are not from me, this time)  The house is not sparkling clean, EVER, and I don't have a cleaning lady that comes in twice a week to make it that way.

The green-eyed monster rears its ugly head at work too.  Women in their cute little outfits, shopping on a  Wednesday afternoon, their carts brimming with stuff they "needed" and I would like to have.  Their hair is perfectly cut and colored, their nails freshly manicured, and I have to shield my eyes from the glare off the diamonds on their ears and fingers.  They pay for their very expensive purchase, with a swipe of the American Express and load the multitude of bags into their Range Rover, BMW, Mercedes, or some other car that costs more than I make in a year.

Does anyone else do this?  I long to have weekends off, to have holidays off, to be able to say, "I'm going to take the laptop on the boat today and write my blog in the sun."  Instead, I'm working my butt off in a thankless job, helping people who can be very "difficult," missing out on fun events because I have to be at that place every weekend.

I'd like to punch to guy that said, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life."  Actually I'd like to see the guy that said, "It takes money to make money," kick his ass.  That would be WAY more fulfilling.  Because it does take money to make money and that, in my mind, is the whole what came first, the chicken or the egg question.  How do I get the money to make the money?  How do I?  That is not a rhetorical question.  Someone please answer it.  I'm begging you!
So, here I sit at 1:45 AM writing this brutally honest post, wondering if I keep it as a draft to read tomorrow morning and decide if I should actually publish it, or should I throw caution to the wind and publish it now.

Yep, you know me. I say, "fuck it."  If you think less of me for being honest, I'm ok with that. After the publish button is clicked, I'm going to finish my Miller Lite, probably go outside and have a cigarette, and maybe wash my face and brush my teeth before I go snuggle in next to Babboo.  Yes, go ahead and judge me, I sleep in my makeup sometimes. Oh, and you can judge me for about 1000 other things I've said or eluded to in this post, frankly my dear(s), I don't give a shit.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Drink the Kool-Aid

Let me clue all you non-bloggers in on something, all bloggers have a "counter" on their blogs to track how many people come to visit.  The counter will tell you how many people have viewed your blog in general or by post.  I have to admit, I am a stats whore, it's the first thing I check when I go to my blog. It's my "people like me" gauge, not that I care on most days what people think of me.  The only thing better is comments, which I usually get on the Book Face (Babboo's terminology for Facebook), but not on the blog.  I guess my friends are shy.

If my plot to take over the world can come to fruition, I need people to drink the Kool-Aid, and I need to know how many are drinking it daily.  Feel free to add some vodka to it, I won't judge you.  

On a side note, I found this picture when I was looking for a picture of Kool-Aid.  It's for one of those recipes for homemade play dough.  I think it looks like a butt.  Sorry, my mind takes me places.

Play Dough?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Jeepers Creepers, Where'd You Get Those Peepers?

Some of you are aware of my obsession with beauty products.  I love buying all the lotions and poitions that will of course turn back the hands of time and make me a super model.  I'm not the sucker that buys EVERYTHING on the infomercials, but I will buy wrinkle creams, dark spot faders, nail products, lip plumpers....  My newest purchase was RapidLash.  I'm trying to grow my eyebrows out and I'm a habitual plucker, so I figured this product would be perfect for me and not only could I grow out my brows, but I can get some kick ass eye lashes and not have to put on falsies when I pretty myself up.

The before and afters of the eye lashes are great and I look forward to big doe eyed lashes.
RapidLash befores and afters from website.
The before and after of the eyebrows wasn't that great and I'm hoping mine will turn out better.  If the eyes are the "windows to the soul," I need some good window treatments.  I'm really just hoping I don't grow a Frida Kahlo unibrow, which is totally something that would happen to me.  That, or my eyebrows will fall out.

I'll try to take some before shots, so I can post the progress.  I took a few pictures today, but all I could see was wrinkles, so I vetoed those getting posted.

Maybe with all my other products I can just post this picture and claim that all of them worked and this is my after.

You think anyone would believe it?

Monday, May 19, 2014

It's Your Wedding, But I'll Buy What I Want To, Buy What I Want To, Buy What I Want To....

I work at a place where we have a gift registry and a lot of people come to register for weddings there.  It kills me when someone comes in to buy a gift and they criticize what the couple has registered for.  Mostly they will criticize the bride by saying, "what was she thinking when she registered for this?"  I guess the groom is left out because boys have no taste anyway and it was just the bride scanning all the towels, gadgets, and dinnerware.  It drives me absolutely ape shit that I have to hear, "that is so ugly. I don't want to buy that for them.  I'll just buy what I want."  Not to say I haven't thought to myself, why would someone put together those color of towels, but I'm not putting them in my bathroom, so I really don't give a shit if someone else is.

The thing is, they registered for it, they want it.  They don't want the tan towels you like better or the other wine glasses.  They want what they want.  So the next time you go into a store to buy a shower gift or wedding gift, just buy something off the registry and keep your tastes to yourself.  Can you imagine what a pain in the ass it would be, if everyone just bought what they wanted.  You'd have to haul all the gifts back to the store to exchange them for what you registered for in the first place.  Stop being a selfish ASS.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

I love that pig!

No, this is not another post about bacon, it's about the Geico pig, Maxwell.  I love that pig.  Whenever Babboo wants to make me smile, all he has to do is say boots 'n' pants.

I also love the "all the way home commercial."
Whoever is writing these commercials is genius in my book.

You can download ringtones from Geico.  Babboo's ringtone is now Boots 'n' Pants.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Pity Party, Table for One, Take 2

Yep, I'm having another pity party.  I'm sitting here still trying to figure out "what I want to be when I grow up," and feeling blue.  I used to go back and forth between "I could do that job," and "I'll never get a new job."  Now, the pendulum has swung over to the latter.  My current employment has me hating everything in life.  I hate people who have better jobs than me, which is everyone because any job on "The World's Dirtiest Jobs" is better than the job I have.  I hate that the house is in constant shambles because I'm too tired to give a shit anymore.  I hate the way I look, and I'm noticing every imperfection I have, which are too numerous to even try to list.  I convinced myself I needed these books when I was at the bookstore the other day.

I apparently was in a much better place that day. After posting the picture of them, I'm sitting here thinking, "if these books are so great and true, than why the fuck were they on the clearance rack?"  Notice one is missing the dust jacket because the dogs decided to eat it, can you fucking believe that?!  That is pretty indicative of my life right now.  It's the "dog ate my homework" excuse, "Sorry World, I JUST CAN'T BE OPTIMISTIC, THE DOG ATE MY SELF HELP BOOK!!!!!!!

I know part of it must be PMS.  The littlest monster, Morgan, jumped up and snatched my burger off my plate when I was gone from the table for 2.7 seconds and all I could do was cry.  While still crying, I decided a brownie was the best medicine for spilt hamburger and decided pasta with butter was the best thing to wash down the brownie brownies.

A couple nights ago I applied for a job I think I could actually, maybe, hopefully like.  I received the typical, "we got your application" email and all I could see in was the sentence, "If your profile corresponds to our requirements, a member of our Team will contact you."  I immediately thought, fuck, I'm not getting this.  Then I get to work and find out a co-worker applied to the same job and thought, double fuck!  He has way more knowledge on the product the job deals with.  So that sent me into a tailspin.

I'm attempting to be productive this morning, with the hope that I will feel a sense of accomplishment and my pity party will end.  It's hard to be really productive when the monster is a touch needy, and these pictures are not wanting to upload, which is so annoying.

The dog trainer should be here any minute, so I should make myself presentable....Happy Friday

Saturday, May 10, 2014

I'll Let You Know When You Aren't "Right"

You've all heard the expression, "the customer is always right."  Well, today I had to kindly let one know he wasn't.  I have taken it, and taken it, 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day for 16+ years.  I have smiled through people being complete ass holes.  I have been subjected to someone showing me a picture of his junk.  When you work in retail, you basically "bend over and take it" everyday.  Today I had enough.  When you start swearing and being a total jerk, I will let you know you cannot speak to me that way.  Especially when I am being pleasant and accommodating, and you are still a total douche bag, you have it coming.  I won't go in to all the details, but I basically "mother fucked" him in the most polite way possible, and said I "didn't appreciate being sworn at" and "would not be sworn at any longer." I think he was shocked I actually stood up to him.  I don't care who you are, what you want, what I don't have in the store, or anything else you may have a problem with, YOU WILL NOT CURSE AT ME AND EXPECT ME TO TAKE IT.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Genius. Just. Pure. GENIUS

Thanks to one of my Facebook friends, Jennifer Snarkypants has a new Facebook cover photo.  Painted by Arthur Berzinsh.

I need one with sunshine being blown up her ass.

Googling Myself...Get Your Mind Out of The Gutter!

I occasionally Google myself (my snarky self and my real self) to see what comes up.  I enjoy the pictures of my "real self" the most.  Mug shots, lots of baby pictures and professionals' headshots.
The funny thing is, there is not one picture of the real me, thank GOD!

My snarky self Google Image search actually shows my profile picture as the first thing and then some random pictures I have posted, and finally celebrities, who must also be snarky, named Jennifer (or someone associated with them).

Then I see this gem.  Is this God's way of telling my fat ass to stop eating McDonald's?  That is downright creepy!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

What Hat Will I Wear Today?

I created a Facebook Page for Jennifer Snarkypants for shits and giggles.  If you haven't created a "Page," they ask you to basically define the type of page it is.  The first option was easy, this is a "artist, band, or public figure."  The next category to choose was very difficult because you can only choose one, the madness.

  1. Actor/Director  - of course I could check this off.  I act like I give a shit everyday at work, and I am a great dictator director.
  2. Artist - another I could choose because aren't we all artists (in a snarky voice, trying to emulate a hipster).
  3. Athlete - sure, I run when chased.
  4. Author - yep, I'm writing this here post, on this here blog, so I'm an author.
  5. Business person - define business, because I'm in the business of snark, so I say yes.
  6. Chef - somewhat.  Babboo is really the chef of the house, I'm more of a sous chef.
  7. Coach - I coach myself off the ledge multiple times a day.
  8. Comedian - I have a vast collection of knock-knock jokes that kills every time I tell them.
  9. Dancer - OH YEAH, I've got amazing dance skills.  I'm the high scorer on "Dance, Dance, Revolution."
  10. Designer - This one is a touch vague. A designer of what I ask, because I'm sure I'm one of those.
  11. Entertainer - no brainer
  12. Entrepreneur - I'm trying over here, slowly building my empire.
  13. Fictional Character - I hate to admit it, but Snarkypants isn't my real last name.
  14. Government official - in Snarkville, I'm the President
  15. Journalist - I report the important news of my life to the masses here and elsewhere.
  16. Movie Character - not quite yet, but stay tuned.
  17. Musician or Band - Rock Band guitar player at your service.
  18. News Personality - See 15.
  19. Pet - Babboo's pet.
  20. Photographer - I have an Instagram account.
  21. Politician - See 14.  Although, I didn't have to run for my position it was self-appointed.  
  22. Producer - of what, I ask.
  23. Public figure - you're reading this aren't you?
  24. Teacher - I teach snark, pessimism, sarcasm, and how to creatively use the word fuck.
  25. Writer - I settled on this one, because I had to choose something.
I think "Jack of all trades, master of none snark" would be the best choice.  They should have a write-in option.

So go follow my Facebook Page.  It will probably be a shit ton of pictures I find humorous, but who knows, there could be a post here and there.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I'm Lots of Things, A Locksmith Isn't One

A day off from hell and I'm at home doing chores.  I don't call it cleaning the house anymore because by Merriam Webster's definition they are chores:

1.  the regular or daily light work of a household or farm
2.  a routine task or job
3.  a difficult or disagreeable task
 There is one thing wrong with Webster's definition, "daily light work," is laughable because it is not done daily, and with these dogs and the way Babboo cooks it is anything but light.  I tend to agree with the third definition the most, "a disagreeable task."  

One of my other tasks for the day is to find a door handle for a door in the house.  We were informed that we need a mortise door handle, not just one you can pick up at Home Depot or Lowe's.  That means I have to order it online and spend half a paycheck on it, with the hope it is the right handle.  Oh, AND that I can install it myself.....hahahahahahaha.

So, here I am with my measuring tape, pen, and paper attempting to get the right measurements and order the right handle.  Wish me luck, I sure do need it.  Maybe locksmith can be a job consideration.

On a side note, I had to Google "Avalide" to make sure it wasn't some drug prescribed for schizophrenia, erectile dysfunction, or a STD before I posted that picture.  It is none of the above.  The things that go through my head, crazy.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Dread and Loathing in the Mitten

As I sit here waiting for Babboo to finish his shower, I am dreading, DREADING, going to work.  For those of you that don't know or haven't read a single post here, I work in retail. I have to deal with every center of the universe who are "always right."  It has taken it's toll on me.  I have been in retail for 16+ years, yes 16!  The holiday time when you are spending time with family or having a summer party I am at work, hating life, adding to my wrinkles and gray hair.

I continue to look for a new job outside of retail, something I will, at least, semi-enjoy, something that allows me to enjoy some holidays, and something that pays the bills.  I would love to work for myself.  Babboo asked, "can't you do something crafty and sell it?" Sure (as I think to myself, I'm Martha Fucking Stewart) I could do that, but do you think it would pay the bills, or even touch paying for insurance?  Yeah, me neither.

So at the conclusion of this post, I will spend some time looking for a job, like I do everyday, only to be frustrated when the listing says, "100 years of experience needed, must speak 3 languages, must work nights, weekends, and holidays.  This is a part-time job that pays minimum wage."  Then I must get ready to spend 1-11pm in hell.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Center of the Universe Found!!!!

If you're looking for the center of the universe, look no further, you've found it.  Before any of you think I'm saying it's me, let me clarify.  The center of the universe is in close proximity to me whenever I leave the house.

Take today for example.  I made the very poor decision to go to Costco, on a Sunday.  I'm pretty sure there were hundreds of "centers of the universe" in the parking lot alone.  There was one asshole who was very important, parking right on the sidewalk in the fire lane.  The realization continued as I walked in and another VIP decided she wasn't going to wait behind the other people showing their membership cards and barged forward past everyone.  Then the next lady, walking at a snail's pace, talking on her phone, was oblivious to the fact that there were other people shopping in the store too.

This went on for the brief 20 minutes I was in the store, dodging around all the centers of the universe, trying to cross off my list of of jumbo items.  When I exited the store, no surprise to me, the asshole was still parked on the sidewalk.  NASA should follow me around because this is a MAJOR astronomical discovery!
The Center of the Universe Drives a Cadillac

This guy gave me my inspiration for these parking violation cards.  Just slip them under the wiper of every ass hole that's parked in a no parking lane, that's taking up two parking spots, or that has decided to park within centimeters of your car. Better buy these in bulk!!!!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Why I Am

My sweet Babboo likes to go to concerts.  The list of concerts I have been to, since we've been together (a little over two years), is quite impressive.

  1. Van Halen 
  2. Smashing Pumpkins
  3. Rush
  4. Alan Jackson
  5. John Mayer with Phillip Phillips (twice)
  6. Bob Seger
  7. Billy Joel
  8. George Strait
  9. and probably a few I might be forgetting

I love DMB, which is Dave Matthews Band to all you non-fans (not dirty man balls, which my best friend says).  It's been awhile since I've been to a DMB show, but Babboo has ended the drought with tickets for a show in June.  I was super geeked when he told me he had bought tickets, but I was even more exited when I read about the show on the venue's website.

“A Very Special Evening with Dave Matthews Band” will feature the group delivering two sets each night, performing songs spanning the band’s career. The group will wind through numerous configurations – from electric to acoustic, from full-throttle numbers featuring the entire band to more intimate moments featuring small groups of band members – including a stripped-down pairing of Matthews with guitarist Tim Reynolds, performing as an acoustic duo, as they occasionally do when the band is off the road. A variety of guests will join the band throughout the summer.

First thing I was excited about, "songs spanning the band's career."  The second thing, and what I am over the moon about, Tim Reynolds and Dave "performing as an acoustic duo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I can't wait!!!!!!  The other concerts we are going to have NOTHING on this one, NOTHING.  The only thing that could possibly make it better, if the show was at Red Rocks.  I'll post picture during and after the show.