Sunday, December 21, 2014

Friday, December 12, 2014

Delusional

I laughed when I went back and read my last post. Why, you ask....because there is not a tree up and not one Christmas card has made it to the mailbox. I suck. The end.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Determination

Morgan Riding Her Brother
Yes I am working again.  No, it is not my dream job, but it is income.  Today is my day off and I am actually being productive.  Got a load of laundry in the washer, and the next is ready to go in.  After this very quick post I will clean the bedroom and the bathroom and probably color my hair.  Yes, I color my hair because the war of the browns vs. the greys is starting to be won by the greys.  Next on the list, Christmas cards and hopefully the tree.  Somewhere in there will be a job search.  I'm determined to find a job I love at least like.  Nothing is going to get me down today, and if I think something or someone tries, I will pulverize them with a Snarky evil eye.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Hope, Fear, and Peace

The movies I usually watch are comedies.  I like the mindless hour and a half of humor.  Babboo likes to watch all kinds of movies.  Rarely do movies stick with me and get me thinking.  Babboo watched Heaven is For Real a few nights ago and he told me I should watch it.  Last night I decided to give it a go.  I'd never seen previews for this movie, so I'm not sure if it was in theaters or for how long, if it was.  I'll give you a Readers Digest condensed recap for those of you that didn't see it.

The movie is about a couple with two children.  The father is a pastor and the mom stays at home with the children.  Their youngest child, Colton, must undergo emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix.  After the surgery, Colton starts to tell his father about how he visited Heaven and saw Jesus, angels, his father's grandfather.  Colton's "experience" comes under criticism by people in the community and members of the church.  The movie is based on the Burpo family and their son's near death experience. 

The movie also references Akiane Kramarik, a self taught painter who began painting at the age of 4.  She claimed God had spoken to her and told her to paint her visions.  Not all of her paintings are religious in nature.  In Heaven is For Real, Colton sees a painting done by Akiane of Jesus.  Colton 
confirms that is what Jesus looks like.

This movie was one of those "thinking" movies.  When it's over you start to question your own beliefs. I think we all want to believe there is a heaven and that we will eventually be there.  We hope that all of our loved ones will be too.  I really hope at the moment I die there will be a feeling of peace.  In all honesty, I'm terrified of death.  I desperately hope death isn't the end.  

I don't think this movie is for everyone though.  There are a few people I know that would dispute this movie based on their religious beliefs, or lack of, and that's fine.  I don't like people beating the Bible in my face and I would never do that to anyone.  Your beliefs are your beliefs.  I just want people to respect mine.  

I liked this movie.  Jennifer Snarkypants Siskel gives it a thumbs up.   

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Rinse and Repeat

Do you ever just feel off? Like something isn't right. Like you're going through the motions? That's how I feel. Nothing "bad" has happened, but nothing "good" has either. I'm stuck. I get up everyday and exist. I get up the next day and exist. Rinse and repeat. Where's the meaning? Where's the fun?

I don't know how to change it. I've been searching for the perfect job to make me feel complete. I wonder if there really is a perfect job for me.

Apparently my mid life crisis is continuing. Chapter 11 is what I'll call this phase. "Chapter 11 Nothing is What I Thought It Would Be. I know you've heard this pity party before, you can continue reading or shake your head, mutter to yourself that I'm hopeless and go about your business.

I'm at a point in my life where I thought things would be different. I didn't expect the"white picket fence" life, or maybe I did. I've always hated expectations, they are evil little, no, evil big FUCKERS.

Expectations are the building blocks of disappointment. I order an amazing sounding entrée off the menu and it tastes like grilled gym socks with a side of navel lint.  I have a brilliant idea for a blog post, I sit down and compose it and it reads like a kindergartener wrote it.  I try to be crafty and the result looks like a Pinterest fail. Rinse and repeat.

I'm not sure what it feels like to be consistently happy. I don't crawl into bed at night smiling and thinking to myself, what an awesome day, tomorrow will be even better.  Does anyone? I hope so because that's what I'm shooting for.

The self help books haven't helped me either.  I will get myself in the mindset that the words on the pages will turn on that light bulb and the secrets or instructions to being happy will be revealed. What really happens is I read ferociously for a day and really believe this book is the ticket, this is finally the one that will "set me of on the right path." Then one event will send me right back down the wrong path and the book is now a nice addition to the self help collection on the bookshelf.

I now understand why people are OCD, anorexics, alcoholics, or comedians it's about control and/or hiding. When your life seems out of control, you want something to control. Having a spotless house or regulating your weight makes you feel in control. When you can't seem to get your life together, control over something is empowering. Alcohol, on the other hand, can give you a false sense of happiness for a short time. You can hide from your unhappiness behind a bottle of whiskey. Unfortunately, the unhappiness returns when alcohol wears off. Then the cycle begins, drink, feel happy, get sober, feel unhappy, drink, feel happy again, become sober,  feel unhappy again.  Rinse and repeat. Comedians  are like alcoholics, except they hide behind their jokes. Make the world laugh and their own lives will be filled with laughter too. But none of these people achieve what they set out to. Maybe for a short time they will feel happy, but it all comes crashing down eventually.

Now don't think you have to start watching for "signs" of any of the above. I'm not OCD, an alcoholic, or a comedian, and my scale can attest that I'm definitely not anorexic. If anything, I'm a touch of all of it rolled together in one, except I wouldn't be an anorexic, more like a bulimic that doesn't vomit. I love food.

So here I am hoping for a change. Praying for a change. I really don't want to become the world's first alcoholic, non-barfing bulimic, comedian, with OCD. At least not until I have health insurance again.