Do you ever just feel off? Like something isn't right. Like you're going through the motions? That's how I feel. Nothing "bad" has happened, but nothing "good" has either. I'm stuck. I get up everyday and exist. I get up the next day and exist. Rinse and repeat. Where's the meaning? Where's the fun?
I don't know how to change it. I've been searching for the perfect job to make me feel complete. I wonder if there really is a perfect job for me.
Apparently my mid life crisis is continuing. Chapter 11 is what I'll call this phase. "Chapter 11 Nothing is What I Thought It Would Be. I know you've heard this pity party before, you can continue reading or shake your head, mutter to yourself that I'm hopeless and go about your business.
I'm at a point in my life where I thought things would be different. I didn't expect the"white picket fence" life, or maybe I did. I've always hated expectations, they are evil little, no, evil big FUCKERS.
Expectations are the building blocks of disappointment. I order an amazing sounding entrée off the menu and it tastes like grilled gym socks with a side of navel lint. I have a brilliant idea for a blog post, I sit down and compose it and it reads like a kindergartener wrote it. I try to be crafty and the result looks like a Pinterest fail. Rinse and repeat.
I'm not sure what it feels like to be consistently happy. I don't crawl into bed at night smiling and thinking to myself, what an awesome day, tomorrow will be even better. Does anyone? I hope so because that's what I'm shooting for.
The self help books haven't helped me either. I will get myself in the mindset that the words on the pages will turn on that light bulb and the secrets or instructions to being happy will be revealed. What really happens is I read ferociously for a day and really believe this book is the ticket, this is finally the one that will "set me of on the right path." Then one event will send me right back down the wrong path and the book is now a nice addition to the self help collection on the bookshelf.
I now understand why people are OCD, anorexics, alcoholics, or comedians it's about control and/or hiding. When your life seems out of control, you want something to control. Having a spotless house or regulating your weight makes you feel in control. When you can't seem to get your life together, control over something is empowering. Alcohol, on the other hand, can give you a false sense of happiness for a short time. You can hide from your unhappiness behind a bottle of whiskey. Unfortunately, the unhappiness returns when alcohol wears off. Then the cycle begins, drink, feel happy, get sober, feel unhappy, drink, feel happy again, become sober, feel unhappy again. Rinse and repeat. Comedians are like alcoholics, except they hide behind their jokes. Make the world laugh and their own lives will be filled with laughter too. But none of these people achieve what they set out to. Maybe for a short time they will feel happy, but it all comes crashing down eventually.
Now don't think you have to start watching for "signs" of any of the above. I'm not OCD, an alcoholic, or a comedian, and my scale can attest that I'm definitely not anorexic. If anything, I'm a touch of all of it rolled together in one, except I wouldn't be an anorexic, more like a bulimic that doesn't vomit. I love food.
So here I am hoping for a change. Praying for a change. I really don't want to become the world's first alcoholic, non-barfing bulimic, comedian, with OCD. At least not until I have health insurance again.