Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The Way It Is

Yes I am still alive.  I'm still here.  The past month has been an eye opener.  My best friend's mom passed away and a classmate from high school passed away.  Death has a strange way of slapping you in the face. It screams, "WAKE UP!"  After the memorial service for my classmate, I was questioning all my life choices.  During the service her family talked about what a great person she was, how she loved life, how she never met a stranger.  So many thoughts filled my head after hearing all of that.  "Am I living my life to the fullest?"  "Am I a nice person?"  "If I died tomorrow what would people say about me?"  "If I died tomorrow what would I wish I had done differently, or done at all?"  Then today, while taking a break from my job search, I head over to Facebook and a friend posted this article, "10 Things You Need to Stop Doing to Be Happier Today."  As I scrolled down the list, I mentally checked every single one off.  "Yep I do that. Yes to that too," until I reached the end of the list.  Then I went back and read them again, and one more time just for shits and giggles.  Then I wondered, was my classmate happy with her life when she passed away?  Did she do the things on this list?  I'm sure she did one or more of them, don't we all? I challenge all of you to read it and say no to all of them.  If you can, are you happy?  Is your world all rainbows and unicorns?

My mid-life crisis finds me in a full on FUNK.  I ask myself daily if I made the right choice when I quit my stable, horrific, full time job back in July.  I quit without another job.  Just woke up one morning, fucking miserable at the thought of putting in one more day there and said fuck this, I'm quitting.  I thank God everyday that I did, but now applying for jobs and praying to the same God that someone will call for an interview and then call back and offer me a job, I keep second guessing myself.  So let's check off 1,3, 4, 5, 7, 9 and 10 with that thought alone.  Then there's the times when people ask where I'm working now and I sheepishly say, "I'm back at XYZ working part time."  Let's go back and check off 2 and 6.  Number 6 is a obvious choice for that, but some may question why 2?  I mentally check off two, because I find myself thinking about how I don't want to be at XYZ and start judging the other person's life and comparing it to my own.  Number 8, is a whole different story.  I don't feel like I do or say anything "right" anymore.  So in my head I want to be right, I need to be right, possibly just for the sake of self preservation and my own sanity, but I feel like I'm "wrong" on so many levels that we can just skip over 8 because I can just talk a circle around that one and then check it off anyway.

I've visited my classmate's Facebook page a few times since her passing.  Some of the posts sadden me to no end.  She was young, she had a little boy, her own company, was recently married, she was taken too soon.  Some of the other posts make me smile.  One of my favorite posts included this  memory by one of her friends:  The buggy passed, Valerie peeled out, as we zoomed past the buggy she screamed, "Why do you think God invented cars!" There may or may not have been the added expletive involving a KJV Donkey! Hilarious!  I think I like this one because it shows her snark which means she would have checked off at least one item from the list.

After all the list checking, I sit and wonder, "if by some chance, I get an interview, a job offer, and start a new career, will I still check off all 10?"  If I make a conscious effort to stop doing one, will I just do more of the others or will my dark and stormy FUNK cloud be lifted and I can slowly work at doing all of them less or not at all?  I'm permanently Snarky, so I will ALWAYS check off #1, sorry, that's just the way it is, some things will never change, that's just the way it is....