Thursday, April 30, 2015

You Just Scared the Crap Out of Me

A friend on Facebook posted a serious question about entry fees for 1/2 marathons and wanted to know what people would be willing be pay to run one.  Me, being a total smart ass comedian replied:
I would actually probably die of a heart attack before I finished the race, because I'm fat and out of shape or from the sheer fear of the snake.

Then someone commented or re-posted a news report from a channel in Florida about some weird furry caterpillar that is poisonous to the touch.  I'm not a huge fan of caterpillars to begin with, but I'm sure to most people this little guy doesn't look too ominous.
  That is until you see the second picture and get a look at this thing's head, mouth, face.  Seriously what the fuck is that?!!  That, my friends, is a puss caterpillar.  Gross, Gross, and more Gross!
Photos courtesy of FOX 13 viewer Jason Hershberger
Then I actually read the article and became even more disturbed by this fuzzy little demon caterpillar.  "Its fur is covered with venom.  The moment you touch this caterpillar you feel instant, intense pain," said Doctors from the University of Florida.  They said, "...be aware of them while working outdoors because they are known to fall out of trees."  
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! IT'S RAINING POISONOUS CATERPILLARS WITH DISGUSTING BUTT FACES!?
If I lived in Florida, I would either a) never go outside b) never get near any tree, EVER, or c) carry an umbrella at all times while outside.  I get the chills just thinking about that thing landing on me, not because of the "intense pain," but because of its horrifying face.  

Then I started thinking about everything else that scares me: mice, drowning or burning alive, bats, wrinkles (my own, not other people's), sharts (we've all been there), leaches, maggots, a bug crawling into my ear while I'm sleeping, bad grammar, frogs and toads, bad drivers.  I'm sure I could think of other things if I really tried, but these are the ones that come to mind.  I'm not deathly afraid of these things, except maybe the wrinkles and sharts, but they really all give me the heebeegeebees.

So, let's hear what scares you.....


Side note:  I always thought caterpillar was spelled differently, without the first "r," like Cat-a-pillar.  You learn something new every day.

I almost forgot, these scare me too.  I knew I wasn't a marshmallow fan for a reason. You'd think they'd find someone with better teeth for the orange and do his teeth really need to be orange?



Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Random Pictures

A friend's kid drew this and I wanted to post it in a comment, but couldn't, sooooo I posted it here.  That is an arm you pervs!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Oh Gina You're So Fine, You're So Fine You Blow My Mind....Part 2

Spring, oh glorious Spring!  The time of the year when I wish I had made and kept a New Year's resolution to lose some weight.  I'm horrified to think very soon I will be on the lake in a bathing suit muumuu.  I have a whole Pinterest board of exercises and toned bodies for inspiration and guidance.  I just need to put down the Pringles and get to it.

The one area that we (women) all probably overlook, (unless you have that embarrassing "pee your pants" problem and the doctor tells you to do some kegels) your Gina.  While searching the Internet for vagina steamers, not the drink, the spa treatment, I found this:

Photo by Kim Anami
Your eyes are not deceiving you, that is a plastic bottle filled with some sort of red substance, maybe ketchup, Snapple, Siracha, or possibly strawberry jelly. It is hanging from a string leading up to this chick's Gina.  That woman is Kim Anami and her Instagram shows off herculean vagina. (Please go to her Instagram, I want you to see these pictures!)


In her article, "10 Benefits of Vaginal Weightlifting," Kim lists "a natural face lift" and "the ability to shoot ping pong balls as 2 of the benefits.  A natural face lift sounds great, AND you have also learned an awesome bar/party trick, do you really need any more to be convinced?  Well, if you do, here's what I imagine you could do with your muscle bound Gina:

  1. Peel a banana.
  2. Pull a Lorena Bobbitt (cue the men cringing)
  3. Paint a piece of abstract art to hang above your fireplace.  Makes a great conversation starter.
  4. Have an extra "hand" to carry in all your groceries from the car in one trip.
  5. Hang a wreath or some mistletoe from it during Christmas time.
  6. Use it as a change purse.
  7. VAGINA BEER PONG!!!
So go get yourself some vagina weights ladies and make Gina ripped!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Oh Gina, You're So Fine, You're So Fine, You Blow My Mind......Part 1

It's Spring cleaning time.  A time to sweep out the cob webs and get everything in order.  I recently learned of a spa service that does a little spring cleaning to the Gina, V-steaming.  That's right a steam clean for your lady parts.  As I was reading up on this new spa treatment, all I could think about was a hot sweaty who-ha, which to me sounded less than desirable.  I told the friend that sent me the article this was a blog topic for sure and she said for the best blog post, I should get one.  I know you are all hoping to hear a story of me sitting on a large padded seat containing a steam hole, with a cape that drapes down to my knees getting a vagcial.  Well, you can keep waiting.  Instead I chose to read about the treatment online.  I have read first hand accounts, doctors' opinions, and descriptions by spas that provide the service.  I'm slightly intrigued, but not enough to subject the land down under to a sauna of sorts.
Picture Courtesy of King Spa & Sauna
For any of you that are still intrigued and are considering a little spring cleaning down below, here is my take on the treatment.  You basically disrobe and are fitted with a plastic cape like the one you wear when you get a hair cut.  The robe hangs down past your knees so the steam stays in and your friend, if you choose to go with a friend, isn't subjected to the man in the canoe saying hello.  If I did decide to do this, I would definitely take Carol because it would be a laugh riot.  After you are fitted with you super vagina cape, you sit on a chair with a large padded seat, which has an opening for the steam.  It looks like a padded outhouse toilet for those of you that have experienced an outhouse.  The attendant can adjust the amount of steam if you feel it's too much or too little.  In one article, the author said for the last ten minutes she was instructed to pull the cape up over her head so it was like she was in a sweat house and her face also got a mini steam facial.  Apparently there are different medicinal herbs in the water so the aroma isn't that of a fishing boat at high noon on a 90 degree day. 

Many people that have written about their experience on the padded throne of steam have said they felt, "clean, relaxed, and at ease."  Another woman, who did an at home treatment, said the procedure made her "HAVE TO POOP LIKE A MAD WOMAN."  Yes, I said at home treatment.  As much as I may be intrigued there is no way in hell I'm boiling water with herbs, placing the pot in the toilet, draping myself with a sheet or blanket, and steaming the Gina.  If you want to, Google "vagina steam" and you will find directions.  With my luck, I see an at home treatment going something like this:
  1. Search through cabinets to find a pot that I can boil water in that will also fit in the toilet.
  2. Boil water and herbs on stove.
  3. Place pot of water in toilet and say to myself I'm going to have to throw this pot out when I'm done.  I don't want to steam veggies or cook spaghetti in this thing after it's looked at my crotch for 30 minutes.
  4. Get naked, cover myself in a blanket, and take a seat.
  5. Have the feeling of wetness on my backside and realize I have dunked my blanket in the toilet.
  6. After fishing blanket out of toilet, sit back down and let the herb infused steam go to work.
  7. Feel a very hot sensation on and around my lady parts and realize I have just given myself 2nd degree burns.
  8. Stand up very quickly to get some cool air flowing, dunk the blanket back in the toilet, fish out blanket again, and rush downstairs to get some ice.
  9. While icing my "region," have a strong feeling I have to poop and go back into bathroom to relieve myself.
  10. Forget to take pot of now cooled water from the toilet and accidentally make poop stew.
  11. Dig poop stew pot out of toilet and take it outside to dump it, after I put on some pants of course.
  12. Have to explain to Babboo, who just pulled in driveway, what I was dumping in adjacent empty lot and why I threw the pan away after.
  13. Walk around slightly bow legged for the next 3 days because my who-ha is toasted.
All I can say is, "NO THANK YOU!" I'll leave that to you and the professionals.  I'll stick with the traditional spring cleaning of dusting and cleaning out the actual garage, not the wiener garage.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Mother's Day Is Coming

I think you all may have forgotten about my Zazzle store, SnarkyLovesBabboo.  Actually I know you have, because there hasn't been any action there at all, ever.  I'm not really heart broken over this, since I made the shop for shits and giggles.  Most of the products were made with a particular people in mind.  Let's take a walk through the shop to review the awesomeness and you can get some Mother's Day gift ideas (probably a horrible gift for Mom, but I don't judge).

This one was inspired by something Babboo said to one of his friends.  I don't remember exactly what the friend was doing, but we all have that one person in our lives who makes bad choices quite frequently, the friend that does things that would be teachable moments on an after school special.
 This one was inspired by Carol.  Enough said.
 Babboo says this to me all the time.  He says it jokingly, most of the time.
 Only fair that I would have something that I say to Babboo.  He thinks this saying is stupid and makes zero sense, but I think it's a perfect response to his attitude.
 I can't name the person that this was inspired by because she would freak out and tell me to remove her name because of the men boys that she "dates" would see it.  You know who you are.
Babboo says this, but it actually came from some guy we saw on the local news.  He actually said this, on camera.  When Babboo says it, he's joking, the other guy was not.









I suppose you could buy most of these for Mom, but if you like her, probably not.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

This Has Been Super Fun, But Seriously....

Don't know where I found this.  If it's yours,
let me know and I'll give you some credit.
The title of this post is meant to be read with a ton of snark, so read it again and then proceed.

My self esteem is dwindling everyday I don't have a "real" job.  I got a fabulous, "thanks, but no thanks," email today and I wanted to find a phone number for the HR person of this company and let them know what a huge mistake they were making, like when Julia Roberts walks back into the snooty shop on Rodeo with all of her shopping bags in Pretty Woman, "Big mistake. BIG. Huge!!!"

So, I'm taking a much needed break from yet another day on the computer searching for job postings, researching companies, and praying to God I get a job sooner rather than later, to write this post. I just keep telling myself not to settle.  Settling got me 20 years in retail, working every weekend, holiday, and a complete loss of my sanity at various times of the year.  I'm smart, I'm driven, I'm a quick study, I'm personable, and I would hire me for any of the jobs I'm applying to for those reasons alone.  Product knowledge and procedures can be learned quickly, they are nothing more than memorization.  Developing rapport with customers cannot be taught and I have that.  As much as I'm not a people person, I am a people person.  Babboo tells me all the time he couldn't do what I do.

Someone reading this must know someone, who knows someone, who is looking for an amazing, awesome, hard working, dedicated, goal driven, smart, funny, responsible, competent person to hire for an outside sales position.  Even though I've loved the search, I'm ready for my dream job, like yesterday, Seriously.

With that, I must go back to my quest.  God, if you're reading this, please let me get a job by the end of the month, or at least an interview that leads to a job.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Coming to You Live From the Pickle Park

Don't drink the water ducky, you have no clue what's been in there!
It's no secret that Carol and I find ourselves and each other hilarious.  We always have inside jokes that we like to post on the Book Face that are very cryptic to anyone other than us.

Today Carol was telling me about a radio show where people were calling in to tell their stories about the most shocking/disturbing things they had seen.  One guy called in to tell his story about what he saw at a rest stop.  The guy was a truck driver and he and his wife were parked at a rest stop AKA pickle park (which I had to explain to Carol), when they saw a lot lizard (look it up) get out of a semi, walk a few feet from the rig, pull up her skirt and proceed to clean her Gina in a puddle.  After her puddle bath, she climbed into the next semi to take care of business.  Pretty sad that a puddle in truck stop parking lot was cleaner than her Gina.

We decided one of our radio broadcasts would definitely have to be from a pickle park to see if we could witness a Gina bath or something just as shocking. I'm sure our millions of listeners would love it.  Carol drunk on Bud Light, peeing her pants and talking about hookers.

I'm pretty confident if this radio show was on air, we'd both be single, as most of our conversations are not significant other appropriate.  Look out Howard Stern, the Carols are going to take over the airwaves.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Waterworks

Here I go again, not quite an ugly cry, but the tears are falling and I'm having a hard time getting them to stop.  I'm tired of burdening you all with my failure at securing a new job (and I'm sure you're all tired of it too), but if I don't get it out, I'll really lose my shit.

I applied for a job, a job that sounded really promising, a job with a company that had good reviews by current and former employees, a job with good benefits, a job with a financially stable company.  I decided to be positive and proactive and start preparing for an interview.  I compiled practice interview questions and started to answer them based on the job requirements, my experience, and my research on the company.  I went to the company website tonight to review the listing once more and it's gone, no longer on the website.  My heart literally sank.  All I can hope is that they had enough applicants to review and the job has not been filled.  I was really hopeful about this one, and I'm having a hard time staying hopeful.

So why not eat my feelings.  I'm currently making poutine, French fries with a zip sauce gravy, no cheese curd, but maybe some shredded.  Then I'll let the whole thing settle into my thighs and ass as I lay in bed trying to sleep because I have to work at 7 am.

I do have a set of practice interview questions which will help even if I don't get an interview for this job.  I'm trying to stay positive, it's getting harder and harder, but I'm trying.

Girls Only

Photo courtesy of TVLand
I wasn't sure what I was going to watch now that Walking Dead is done, Girlfriend's Guide to divorce finished it season, and anything else I watch I've pretty much caught up on.  Then last night, as I was going through On Demand I found the show Younger on TVLand.  This is a total chick show, and I found it hilarious.  Darren star is the producer, you know Darren star who also produced Melrose Place, 90210, and Sex and the City.  How can it be bad if Darren star is producing it.

In a nutshell the show is about a 40 year old woman, Liza, who is divorcing her cheater husband and is trying to get a job after a 15 year hiatus to take care of her daughter.  The job market is filled with mean, 20 something girls who won't give Liza a chance, so she pretends to be in her twenties and actually lands a job.  Along the way she meets a very attractive "dude" who has no idea she is 40 and not 26.

Hillary Duff plays Kelsey who befriends Liza and unknowingly assists Liza with the new "ways" of publishing, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Google+ and also the "ways" of 20-something women in the corporate world.

One of my favorite scenes, that really did make me LOL (I might start pretending I'm in my 20's) takes place in the locker room at the gym.  Liza takes off her clothes to change after her workout and shocks one of the other girls with her "bush."  "It looks like my mother's vagina," Lauren says, "can I put the bush up on Instagram?"  Liza's reply, "I just got back from 3 years in India, and for your information, I call it a Wisconsin."  Too fucking funny.

Check it out, it's really funny and quite frankly I want everyone to watch it so it sticks around for a long time.  TVLand on Tuesdays.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

It's Called PMS

Be warned, this could prove to be a snarky rant filled with tears, chocolate, and lots of random topics all rolled into one.

This is day 175 of my job search.  I will admit the first couple months weren't hard core searching, more like attempting to get my old ass resume up to date and in a new format.  I will also admit I had a minor melt down today which included a almost-ugly cry in the restroom at work.  Some of you who don't really "know" me might ask, "you have a job?"  Hell, some of you that don't know me might ask the same question.  Yes, I have a job.  A part-time job in a field that I long to leave behind, which pays the bills, and keeps me from living in a van down by the river.

I'm going to partly blame PMS for my minor break down and place the remaining blame on the fact that although I'm totally awesome, I'm not having the best of luck landing a job in a field outside of the one that I've been in for over half of my life.  Ugh, just typing that makes me want to jump in a time machine, travel back 20 years, and give myself some advice on my future career choices.  Hell, I'd give myself some advice on my relationship choices too.  Wouldn't we all like to do that?! Unfortunately my time machine is currently out of order and I can't find a good mechanic to fix it. 

The bright moment in this self loathing, pity party of a day was the chocolate bunny and can of Pringles that I consumed on my car ride home.  I'm a bottle of wine and chick flick soundtrack away from an epic pity party.  * Side Note - I Googled "pity party play lists" and this link came up, but just my luck, I couldn't get any of the playlists to actually play.  I did find the awesome picture in this post there and don't know who to credit for it, so if it's yours, let me know.

I'm sure some of my Facebook friends are sick of hearing about my job search and are tired of my pity parties.  Frankly, I could give two shits if they are.  Don't like it?  De-friend me.  Go back to posting pictures of your "perfect" little world and writing posts that are a one sided view of your perfect life.  I can say, at least I act like a real person.  I can admit my faults.  I'm happy one day, and sad the next.  I'm thankful for the things in my life, but sometimes things get me down.  I'm human.  I can't wait to see how many people drop off the list after this post.  

Babboo switched his gym membership last week and that made me wonder, if my current situation can be partly blamed on the lack of endorphins in my head from the lack of actual exercise in my life.  I'm totally out of shape right now.  Our seats at the last concert we attended were in the first row and I was cursing that seat choice the first time I climbed the 1323 stairs to go pee.  I wanted to stop mid-way up the climb, hold onto the handrail of the steps, let my burning leg muscles rest, and catch my breath, but I powered through because of the possibility I would pee my pants if I didn't make it to the restroom fairly quickly.

P.S.
I find it a little funny that "Countdown to Apocalypse" was on while I was writing this post and I noticed after I finished it.

I've had enough of pissing and moaning, as I'm sure you have too.  Back to checking my e-mail, and every known job search site, in hopes of finding something sooner, rather than later.  

Friday, April 3, 2015

How To Stand Out in A Crowd

Photo from Inspire Fusion.
If anyone would have asked me 20 years ago how to stand out in a crowd, I probably would have referred to a person's appearance.  Dye your hair pink, wear a crazy hat, or buy one of those leashes that looks like you're walking an invisible dog (I always wanted one of those).  Fast forward to today, after six months of job searching and my answer is, I have no fucking clue.  I've always been the type of person that was super confident, not cocky or over confident, just sure of myself.  I believed if I put my mind to it, I would and could do anything (within reason).  Here I am today writing a post and waving a white flag of surrender.  Stick a fork in me, I'm done.  The fat lady sang.  Finito.

 I still believe I can do anything, I'm smart, I'm driven, I have a desire to succeed and be the best, and I'll put the work in to be the best.  I'm just so discouraged with my job search.  In my last job I would have hired me on the spot.  I would have wanted to clone me and have a staff of me.  So many companies want years and years of experience and won't even consider someone that doesn't have that. Now listen, I'm not applying to be a neurosurgeon, I'm applying for outside sales positions.  Product knowledge can be learned, current reps do it all the time when a new product launches.  You can't learn how to be personable or how to build relationships with your customers.  THROW A GIRL A BONE HERE!!!!!

So, here I am on a Friday, searching through different job postings, researching companies, and praying to God I catch a break soon.  As always, if you know someone, who knows someone, who has a cousin who could give me that break, let me know. :)