Thursday, April 23, 2015

Oh Gina, You're So Fine, You're So Fine, You Blow My Mind......Part 1

It's Spring cleaning time.  A time to sweep out the cob webs and get everything in order.  I recently learned of a spa service that does a little spring cleaning to the Gina, V-steaming.  That's right a steam clean for your lady parts.  As I was reading up on this new spa treatment, all I could think about was a hot sweaty who-ha, which to me sounded less than desirable.  I told the friend that sent me the article this was a blog topic for sure and she said for the best blog post, I should get one.  I know you are all hoping to hear a story of me sitting on a large padded seat containing a steam hole, with a cape that drapes down to my knees getting a vagcial.  Well, you can keep waiting.  Instead I chose to read about the treatment online.  I have read first hand accounts, doctors' opinions, and descriptions by spas that provide the service.  I'm slightly intrigued, but not enough to subject the land down under to a sauna of sorts.
Picture Courtesy of King Spa & Sauna
For any of you that are still intrigued and are considering a little spring cleaning down below, here is my take on the treatment.  You basically disrobe and are fitted with a plastic cape like the one you wear when you get a hair cut.  The robe hangs down past your knees so the steam stays in and your friend, if you choose to go with a friend, isn't subjected to the man in the canoe saying hello.  If I did decide to do this, I would definitely take Carol because it would be a laugh riot.  After you are fitted with you super vagina cape, you sit on a chair with a large padded seat, which has an opening for the steam.  It looks like a padded outhouse toilet for those of you that have experienced an outhouse.  The attendant can adjust the amount of steam if you feel it's too much or too little.  In one article, the author said for the last ten minutes she was instructed to pull the cape up over her head so it was like she was in a sweat house and her face also got a mini steam facial.  Apparently there are different medicinal herbs in the water so the aroma isn't that of a fishing boat at high noon on a 90 degree day. 

Many people that have written about their experience on the padded throne of steam have said they felt, "clean, relaxed, and at ease."  Another woman, who did an at home treatment, said the procedure made her "HAVE TO POOP LIKE A MAD WOMAN."  Yes, I said at home treatment.  As much as I may be intrigued there is no way in hell I'm boiling water with herbs, placing the pot in the toilet, draping myself with a sheet or blanket, and steaming the Gina.  If you want to, Google "vagina steam" and you will find directions.  With my luck, I see an at home treatment going something like this:
  1. Search through cabinets to find a pot that I can boil water in that will also fit in the toilet.
  2. Boil water and herbs on stove.
  3. Place pot of water in toilet and say to myself I'm going to have to throw this pot out when I'm done.  I don't want to steam veggies or cook spaghetti in this thing after it's looked at my crotch for 30 minutes.
  4. Get naked, cover myself in a blanket, and take a seat.
  5. Have the feeling of wetness on my backside and realize I have dunked my blanket in the toilet.
  6. After fishing blanket out of toilet, sit back down and let the herb infused steam go to work.
  7. Feel a very hot sensation on and around my lady parts and realize I have just given myself 2nd degree burns.
  8. Stand up very quickly to get some cool air flowing, dunk the blanket back in the toilet, fish out blanket again, and rush downstairs to get some ice.
  9. While icing my "region," have a strong feeling I have to poop and go back into bathroom to relieve myself.
  10. Forget to take pot of now cooled water from the toilet and accidentally make poop stew.
  11. Dig poop stew pot out of toilet and take it outside to dump it, after I put on some pants of course.
  12. Have to explain to Babboo, who just pulled in driveway, what I was dumping in adjacent empty lot and why I threw the pan away after.
  13. Walk around slightly bow legged for the next 3 days because my who-ha is toasted.
All I can say is, "NO THANK YOU!" I'll leave that to you and the professionals.  I'll stick with the traditional spring cleaning of dusting and cleaning out the actual garage, not the wiener garage.

4 comments:

  1. So I'm in the middle of an email train (when everyone is emailing all at he same time as we try to come to some sort of conclusion about what we are discussing) when I see this blog post pop up in my G+. Now I'm crying from laughing so hard, as I'm trying to reply to everyone! BEST. BLOG. EVER.

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  2. Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That is one of the funniest things I ever read! Thank you for that!!!!

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  3. Sometimes when I re-read my posts I find typos and grammatical errors. Sometimes I realize I may have used the wrong word. I did that in this post. Poop GAZPACHO, not stew. Gazpacho is cold, stew is not. That is all.

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  4. Hilarious !!!! I'm laughing so hard I just blew snot bubbles.

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