Thursday, April 30, 2015

You Just Scared the Crap Out of Me

A friend on Facebook posted a serious question about entry fees for 1/2 marathons and wanted to know what people would be willing be pay to run one.  Me, being a total smart ass comedian replied:
I would actually probably die of a heart attack before I finished the race, because I'm fat and out of shape or from the sheer fear of the snake.

Then someone commented or re-posted a news report from a channel in Florida about some weird furry caterpillar that is poisonous to the touch.  I'm not a huge fan of caterpillars to begin with, but I'm sure to most people this little guy doesn't look too ominous.
  That is until you see the second picture and get a look at this thing's head, mouth, face.  Seriously what the fuck is that?!!  That, my friends, is a puss caterpillar.  Gross, Gross, and more Gross!
Photos courtesy of FOX 13 viewer Jason Hershberger
Then I actually read the article and became even more disturbed by this fuzzy little demon caterpillar.  "Its fur is covered with venom.  The moment you touch this caterpillar you feel instant, intense pain," said Doctors from the University of Florida.  They said, "...be aware of them while working outdoors because they are known to fall out of trees."  
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! IT'S RAINING POISONOUS CATERPILLARS WITH DISGUSTING BUTT FACES!?
If I lived in Florida, I would either a) never go outside b) never get near any tree, EVER, or c) carry an umbrella at all times while outside.  I get the chills just thinking about that thing landing on me, not because of the "intense pain," but because of its horrifying face.  

Then I started thinking about everything else that scares me: mice, drowning or burning alive, bats, wrinkles (my own, not other people's), sharts (we've all been there), leaches, maggots, a bug crawling into my ear while I'm sleeping, bad grammar, frogs and toads, bad drivers.  I'm sure I could think of other things if I really tried, but these are the ones that come to mind.  I'm not deathly afraid of these things, except maybe the wrinkles and sharts, but they really all give me the heebeegeebees.

So, let's hear what scares you.....


Side note:  I always thought caterpillar was spelled differently, without the first "r," like Cat-a-pillar.  You learn something new every day.

I almost forgot, these scare me too.  I knew I wasn't a marshmallow fan for a reason. You'd think they'd find someone with better teeth for the orange and do his teeth really need to be orange?



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